The blue-ringed octopus! An elegant little creature, native to the southwest Pacific, particularly the waters around Australia. Pretty to look at… but mostly famous for being very, very venomous. The blue-ring’s bite is deadly.  A single sharp nip can kill an adult human in minutes.

But why? The blue-ring is a modest little creature that lives in shallow water, preying on small fish and crustaceans. A bite that can paralyze a 10 gram fish or a 20 gram crab, sure. A bite that can kill a 70 kilogram human dead? What’s the point of that?

Well: the good news is, a recent paper has discovered just why the blue-ringed octopus is so deadly. The bad news is… um, it’s kind of disturbing.

Trigger warning for sexual assault, cannibalism, and existential horror. I am not kidding.


A bit of pedantry first: the “blue-ringed octopus” is actually four or five closely related species scattered across the southwest Pacific and Indian Oceans.  The paper refers to “blue-striped octopus” but from a layman’s point of view they’re almost identical.

The Venom

The blue-ring’s venom is a cocktail of several toxins, but the main component is a nasty piece of work called tetrodotoxin.  Tetrodotoxin is a powerful neurotoxin.  Without getting into the biochemical details — receptors, sodium channels, that stuff — the TLDR is that even a tiny dose will basically short-circuit your nervous system.  A very small dose causes paralysis, very quickly.  More than a very small dose, the nerves that tell your heart to beat and your lungs to breathe start shutting down.  Usually the lungs go first, and the victim dies of asphyxiation.


[Never, never do this.]

There’s no antidote.  If you get a serious bite, the only way you survive is if they get you to a hospital in time to put you on a respirator.

Interesting detail #1: tetrodotoxin is a wide-spectrum neurotoxin, affecting pretty much anything with a functioning nervous system.  It’ll paralyze or kill insects, molluscs, earthworms, birds, whatever.  This, it turns out, is very relevant.

Interesting detail #2: the octopus doesn’t actually produce the toxin itself!  Rather, it’s produced by symbiotic bacteria that live in the octopus’ salivary glands.

And this is where it gets mysterious!  Symbiotic bacteria don’t come cheap.  You have a bunch of bacteria living in your gut, yes?  They help you digest your food?  Well, they charge a tax for that service: they take some of the food for themselves.  You end up coming out ahead because you get more *net* nutrition, but the bacteria are taking their cut.  The octopus has to spend calories and nutrients to support a lot of bacteria that don’t do anything but produce a toxin.  So you’d expect natural selection to favor octopuses that produce only just as much toxin as they need. 

Instead the blue-ring produces much, much more toxin than it seems to need.  Why?

And interesting detail #3: while both male and female blue-rings have the bacteria, produce the toxin, and are venomous, the male is more venomous than the female.  That’s because the male’s salivary glands are larger.  They can be up to 1% of the male’s rest weight, which would be like you having salivary glands the size of oranges.  Because they’re big, they contain a lot more bacteria, meaning a lot more toxin, meaning a more deadly bite.  If a female blue-ring bites you, you’re going to have a very bad day, but you might not die.  If a male bites you… it’s not great.

Ah wait, so males and females are different?

The Interesting Home Life

The blue-ring, like most octopuses, is short-lived and “semelparous”.  Semelparous means that once they reproduce, they die.  Salmon swimming upstream to spawn, yes?  Like that.

A female blue-ring only lives a couple of years.  Towards the end of that period, she becomes sexually receptive.  She may mate with more than one male; if so, she stores their sperm, and she may lay eggs fathered by several different males. She’ll find some quiet safe place to lay them — a crevice inside some coral, a space under a rock.  Once she has laid her eggs, she stops eating.  In this final stage of her life, she doesn’t wander or hunt.  Food can swim right past and she’ll ignore it.  All she does is care for the eggs.  She protects them from predators and parasites, gently blows water over them to keep them oxygenated, and occasionally nibbles and licks them.  Eventually, right around the time the eggs hatch, she dies.

(In some octopus species, the female becomes active one last time shortly before the eggs hatch: she leaves the nest and wanders some little distance away without bothering to conceal herself.  This usually results in her being eaten by a predator.  It’s possible this behavior might have evolved so that at least one local predator is distracted and / or well fed when the eggs hatch, giving them a slightly better chance of survival.  We really don’t know.  But if you saw “My Octopus Teacher”?  That may have been what was going on there.)   (And if you haven’t seen “My Octopus Teacher”, check it out — it’s really good, not what you’d expect, and totally worth an hour of your time.)

In order to survive several months without eating, a female has to build up fat reserves.  The more she can eat before laying her eggs, the better her chances of staying strong and surviving until they hatch.  So females are voracious and aggressive predators at all times, but as they enter their mating period they become particularly ravenous.

A male is about one-third the size of a female.  The picture above?  That’s a male.  Males are also short-lived, but they can mate more than once.  In fact, male blue-rings are notorious horndogs.  They’ve been observed trying to mate with other males, with octopuses of different species, and even with vaguely octopus-shaped clumps of seaweed.  Perhaps when you only live a year or two, you just want as much action as possible.  Whatever the reason, the males are always up for it.

Okay so:  when a male approaches a fertile female, he’s putting himself in danger.  That’s because a fertile female is a hungry female.  Once the female has the male’s sperm, she has every incentive to devour him.  And she’s three times bigger, so once she has a firm grip on him, that’s Game Over.

This is formally known as sexual cannibalism, and there are examples scattered across the animal kingdom.  Black widows, right?  And praying mantises.

 
[(c) Gary Larson, The Far Side, 1986]

Different animal species deal with this different ways.  Some male insects just give themselves up, mating only once and done.  Some do courtship displays that distract or soothe the female. Some spiders present the female with a gift of prey, so that she’ll eat that instead of him.

And this is the paper.  It turns out that the male blue-ringed octopus has a different strategy: he jumps on the female and bites her.  His bite injects a massive dose of venom, which leaves her paralyzed.  

(A female friend:  They *roofie* the females?)
(Me:  Yup, they sure do.  Because, to be fair, if they don’t then the female eats them.
(Friend:  They probably deserve it!)

The female blue-ring has resistance to the toxin.  Not immunity, but resistance.  So while it will almost always paralyze her, it won’t kill her.  She’ll stay paralyzed for anywhere from several minutes to an hour, giving the male plenty of time to do the deed and flee.

(Mrs. Muir:  “He rapes her!”)
(Me:  “Because otherwise she would eat him!”)
(Mrs. Muir:  “That does not make this okay!”)

Okay, well this is all very interesting and perhaps a bit disturbing, but… how does it connect to the blue-ring’s lethality?

Putting the pieces together

So at some time in the past, the blue-ring had a mildly toxic bite, just enough to paralyze small prey and make hunting easier.  Females practiced sexual cannibalism and there wasn’t a lot the males could do about it.

Then one day a male bit a female during mating… and it slowed the female down enough for the male to escape.  That male was able to mate again!  His genes spread. 

Soon there were lots of bitey males.  And there was selection for a stronger toxin, one that would render the female safely paralyzed (though without actually killing her, of course). The males evolved bigger salivary glands, and also more powerful bacteria, because males with these attributes could mate more often and spread their genes.

But!  The females had a vote here.  Females that could resist the toxin, or shake off its effect faster?  Those females still got to eat their male attackers.  In terms of natural selection, they would get an extra meal, rich in fat and protein, before embarking on their final fast.  So genes for resisting the toxin would also tend to spread.

And now we have what biologists call an arms race.  Females evolved resistance.  So males had to evolve venom that was ever more, er, potent.  So females evolved more resistance, in a feedback loop… until we reach today, when the male’s bite is capable of killing a horse.  Humans who have died from blue-ring bites?  Collateral damage from that arms race.

Incidentally, this is why the female is venomous, but less venomous than the male.  She has inherited the potent tetrodotoxin-producing bacteria.  But she doesn’t need to grow large salivary glands to support huge colonies of them.  So her venom is as deadly, but there’s less per bite.  Which brings us to the third player in this game:

The Bacteria

You remember I mentioned that the brooding octopus mother nuzzles and nibbles her eggs?  Well, she does that for a reason: she is transferring the bacteria out of her salivary glands.  Before they even hatch, each baby octopus is equipped with a complete set of venom-producing microbes.

— You might think: wait, half those eggs will be males.  The mother is giving them the tools to assault females?  And the answer is, yes, because it’s now in her genetic interest to do so.  She may not have wanted to be bitten and paralyzed.  But if her sons are properly venomous, then it’s more likely she’ll have lots of grandchildren.  

Meanwhile, the bacteria… are doing extremely well out of this whole thing.  They get to ride around inside octopus bodies, safe and protected.   Geographically they’ve spread over thousands of miles of ocean, which is pretty good for a microbe.  The octopus has evolved a bunch of mechanisms to make sure the bacteria are happy and well fed, and the males in particular have grown giant glands to give the bacteria lots of elbow room.  True, they have to pay the rent by producing tetrodotoxin.  But that really seems a small price to pay.  Tilt your head sideways, and you could argue that both male and female blue-rings are simply puppets, dancing to the tune of their bacterial masters.

Anyway, that’s the paper.  Nature is always interesting, and we’re still discovering new stuff!  It’s just not always comfort reading.

If there is one thing you should read today, it’s this piece from friend-of-the-newsletter Mark Goldberg at UN Dispatch about the Trump administration’s out-and-out hostility to the very concept of gender equality, at a UN conference on gender equality.

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The UN is holding its annual Conference on the Status of Women this week, a big-deal conference in which representatives gather to do pretty much what you’d imagine: Set out various agendas for women’s rights and gender equality.

Except “gender equality” is now on the Trump administration’s list of banned words and concepts, and they’re taking that view global.

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As a Canadian, Donald Trump’s address to the American Congress left me absolutely terrified. I closed my eyes and heard Adolf Hitler. The resounding applause and cheers and jeers from the, shall we say, psycho-phantic Republican side of the House was beyond nauseating.

Canada is geographically situated between two formidable next door neighbors: the United States of America and the Russian Federation. Until recently, Canadians considered only one of those nations to be an existential threat to our sovereignty and way of life. But now Trump, Elon Musk, and others in the current American administration are wholly aligned with Russia and against world democracies.

Team Trump put a great many demands on the table unrelated to current trade issues. These included designs on Canada’s fresh water.

I’m sure many Canadians now have genuine fears that the United States is conspiring to bring Canada to its knees economically, with designs to invade our weakened country. One can only assume, not speculate, that madman Trump has been conspiring with America’s new best friend, Russia, to, among other deviant intentions, divvy up the Canadian arctic between them. While Europe is preoccupied with its own renewed security concerns, and the ongoing Russian war in Ukraine. Call me crazy.

It is a point of fact that for many years, both the U.S. and Russia have suggested that they do not recognize Canada’s sovereignty over our territories and waterways of the Canadian Arctic, especially since global warming has begun to open the trade route potential of our Northwest Passage. America’s designs on our Arctic became clear during the George W. Bush administration. Mr. Bush was quite outspoken about it.

Respect Missing

Trump’s recent imperialistic posture and astounding lack of diplomacy and respect for America’s steadfast ally, Canada, and his pathetic insults aimed at our Prime Minister have left me shuddering.

Trump’s on-and-off 25% tariffs on Canadian goods are no way to treat a loyal ally.

In the second Trump administration the art of the steal is at play once again. Compounding my fears are Trump’s stated designs on Canada’s natural resources, Greenland and the Panama Canal.

Canada’s talented and steadfast Minister of Foreign Affairs, Mélanie Joly, has been very candid about the tenure and substance of behind-the-scenes trade talks with Trump and key U.S. administration players.

Joly has stated that Team Trump put a great many demands on the table unrelated to current trade issues. These included designs on Canada’s fresh water.

Her public comments also suggest that Trump is threatening to cease the sharing of “security and intelligence” with Canada, even ending the military alliance between our two nations if we Canadians don’t capitulate on Trump’s trade demands. This is a shockingly similar stance to Trump’s policies on Ukraine.

Trump’s unquestionable admiration for, and fealty to, Vladimir Putin, has seen America’s president repeatedly parrot Kremlin talking points. Our outgoing prime minister, Justin Trudeau, properly calls Putin “a lying, murderous dictator.”

National Identity

A people’s psyche develops because of innumerable experiences across an expanse of time. Collective self-awareness, formed in part by pivotal events in a nation’s history.

Canadians are acutely aware that the United States is the only country to invade Canada , during the War of 1812.

Three weeks ago, 11 of our provincial premiers, roughly the equivalent of American state governors, visited Capitol Hill to ask members of Congress if they believed Trump would send troops to invade Canada, forcing it to become the 51^st state. No ally should ever have to contemplate such potential aggression.

Despite our longstanding admiration and respect for your great nation and its people, and the close friendship we have nurtured for more than 200 years, from time-to-time Canadians reasonably remain more than a little suspicious. Trump has us glancing over our shoulder, not the least when his White House puts out images of him wearing a crown with the caption “Long live the king.”

With that in mind, perhaps the American people—for whom we harbor no animosity—will forgive, if not appreciate, that America’s staunchest ally must prepare to react swiftly and decisively when we are threatened.

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Why? Unions. Unions that keep mediocre teachers in place in every high school in America when we should be firing them.

Yes, it's the old Fire Our Way To Excellence idea again.  

I would like to fire teachers... and I'd like to pay a lot more to the teachers that advance Math and Reading scores that push our system forward... We have broken the system long ago through unions.

The lowest paid person in America that deserves a lot more money is a great teacher... and we can't in the system of unions in America, we keep mediocrity festering. We're destroying the education system.

Well, this should be easy to test. The states that have the weakest teacher unions should have the best paid and the highest scores. States like Oklahoma and Texas and the Carolinas and Mississippi and Arkansas and Louisiana and Florida and Georgia-- oh, I see a pattern here. Low pay, low test results. Apparently when you stomp on unions, you don't get instant school awesomeness. 

How do we find these mediocre teachers to fire them? We've been over this before-- using tests as a measure creates all sorts of problems, from trying to measure student growth on through using math and reading scores to judge teachers who don't teach math and reading. 

And if we do fire teachers, how easy is it to just go pick some new ones off the Excellent Teacher Tree? 

O'Leary also reinforces the odious notion that the whole purpose of schools is to crank out math and reading scores, which is a giant honking to show that he understands neither assessment nor the whole purpose of education. 

I graduated from teacher school in 1979. and one thing has never, ever changed-- the level of confident assumed expertise of some folks because they went to school. What has changed is the degree to which media outlets aggressively feed them baloney, confirming their worst guesses. But our problem in education is now the country's-- how to make progress with people who don't know what they don't know, and who know with utter certainty some things that just aren't so.

These are dark times but I will continue to tell the stories you need to hear in a clear (and usually profane) voice. If I entertain/anger/inform you, preferably all three, please consider becoming a supporting subscriber today for only $5 a month or just $50 a year.

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This is Part 4? 5? Who the fuck knows? in what will be an ongoing series of “Fuck You, RFK Jr.” articles until that piece of shit dies, unloved and unmourned.

There is no one in Trump’s regime I do not despise but you may have noticed I have a special level of antipathy for Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Aside from being an animal-killing psychopath, a philandering narcissist that went out of his way to drive his first wife to suicide, a serial sexual predator, a fascist bootlicker in it for the power and fame, and just an all-around creepy weird fuck, Kennedy is that most unforgivable of creatures: An anti-vaxxer.

You may or may not be aware of how violently hostile I am to anti-vaxxers and why. Here’s a quick primer:

I’ve always hated anti-vaxxers. I take their stupidity personally. The idea that one of them is in charge of our nation’s healthcare is repulsive and, predictably, wildly dangerous.

There was a glimmer of hope though, just for a moment, that the gravity of the office would push Kennedy to grow the fuck up and actually do the job. As the worst outbreak of measles in decades tore through Texas and New Mexico, Kennedy spoke out in favor of vaccines, the only guaranteed method of preventing the spread of measles:

On March 2, Kennedy penned an op-ed for Fox News in which he appeared to endorse the measles vaccines, writing that the shots “not only protect individual children from measles but also contribute to community immunity, protecting those who are unable to be vaccinated due to medical reasons.”

Maybe the pain and suffering of children who are the majority of the infected, and the death of an unvaccinated child, would be enough to push Kennedy to act like a responsible adult.

Yeah, so much for that forlorn fucking hope:

Yet in an interview last week, Kennedy claimed, without citing research, that treating measles with steroids, antibiotics, and cod liver oil yielded “very, very good results.” Cod liver oil contains Vitamin A, which is often used in much higher concentrations to prevent complications from the disease, including blindness. There is no credible evidence that cod liver oil itself can treat or prevent measles.

The brain worm took control again and America is screwed. At least until Kennedy is caught raping someone, overdoses on steroids/heroin, or just drops dead from an aneurysm from another brain worm.

How full of shit is Kennedy? This much:

He asserted that natural immunity to measles, gained through infection, somehow also protected against cancer and heart disease, a claim not supported by research.

He cheered on questionable treatments like cod liver oil, and said that local doctors had achieved “almost miraculous and instantaneous” recoveries with steroids or antibiotics.

So not only is this ratfuck bastard lying about “curing” measles, but he’s telling people that getting measles is actually a GOOD thing. The flames of Hell are not hot enough to burn away Kennedy’s evil.

Did you know the Opinionated Ogre has a weekly podcast? It’s true! New episodes every Thursday! Catch the latest episode here:

Go vax yourself, Kennedy!

And to be clear: This IS evil. Kennedy and the lies he spreads cause real-world harm. This is how you end up with monsters like the father of the little unvaccinated girl who died:

That little girl trusted her father to protect her. To keep her safe. To keep her fucking alive. Instead, he murdered her as surely as if he had thrown her off of a building because he didn’t trust the theory of gravity. I wish nothing but misery and pain for him. His other children should be taken away for their own protection and he should spend the next 25 years in prison being beaten to a pulp by the other inmates. Child killers are frowned upon in prisons.

Kennedy has canceled a large-scale test of a Covid vaccine in pill form. He’s canceled a vital meeting to determine which flu strains to make vaccines for ahead of next year’s flu season. He will continue to slow walk or outright cancel new vaccines and research. Tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of people will die because of this. No one will be made healthier.

Kennedy will be soaked in blood and Trump and Musk and Project 2025 will laugh and laugh because that’s his job. The delusional imbecile was put into place to kill Americans and leave us sicker and more vulnerable to fascist predation. He’s a useful idiot convinced he’s doing good while preparing to stand over a mountain of dead children.

Have your doctor check your titers, aka your antibodies, from your old vaccines. Measles, Polio, etc. Get them checked and see if you need a booster because the Trump regime is doing everything possible to spread diseases that shouldn’t even exist in the United States anymore. And for fuck’s sake, get your children vaccinated or put them up for adoption. If you’re an anti-vaxxer, you’re unfit to raise a child and you, yes fucking YOU, are the greatest danger to their future. Protect them by removing yourself from their lives. And protect the rest of us by removing yourself from this planet. I hear drinking bleach is a great cure for Covid. Try that and godspeed, you dumb fuck.

There are 20 days until the first Blue Wave starts in Wisconsin and 237 days until it hits Virginia and Pennsylvania. If I were a billionaire fascist, I’d think REALLY hard about getting out of the way.

Republican cruelty only continues if we look away. Never look away. Never stop speaking truth to evil. It’s the only way forward. Please help me continue to inform/amuse/outrage you by becoming a supporting subscriber today for only $5 a month or just $50 a year.

🪱RFK Jr’s Brain worm Says Subscribe!🪱